Second night I’ve spent up on watch, thankfully uneventful. I’d learned later yesterday, however, a sales bus was attacked at R. the driver and salesman were roughed up but safe and okay now.
At the moment of writing this I’m on our smaller veranda, the morning sun smiling down like a dear old friend, benign and good company as I listen to one of my favourite playlists by fierta, “The witch’s garden”. I’d imported it to Spotify from 8Tracks because they were closing, and the list didn’t make the 15 track requirement so Spotify added songs to it. I’m not complaining though, I won’t skip ‘Path of the Wind’ (My Neighbour Totoro) or ‘Dance of the Moonlight Jellies’ from Stardew Valley, currently on.
The wind is cool and playful almost but somewhat tense. I continued and completed season one of F1: Drive to Survive earlier this morning. It’s amazing what those people can do, drivers and the entire teams. Often now I recall my previous dismissal of the sport. I consider that facet of my ignorance cured. Can’t say I have a definite favourite though, they’re all remarkable. Season 1 was 2018, season 2 was 2019, and this season begins on the 15th this month.
I regret this place hardly has a bright spot in it. I don’t write much anymore generally speaking. I’ve grown to not expect nothing of a new year, same old shit. But surely there has to be more than doom and gloom.
I don’t know how I keep doing it, getting up every morning.
There some ranting I’d like to do but the time has passed and I can’t put it in words right now. Except for this one: I wish some people wouldn’t assume things about me, tell me what I am feeling while they casually invalidate what I’m going through because it doesn’t fit in with their world view or sum shit. And on top of that I think I’m dealing with a narcissist, seriously, and often encounters with them makes me want to hurt myself.
I can’t remember. I can’t remember who I was before. And the tired fog rolls in and out, it always returns. And when certain people wonder what the fuck am I doing with my life, why am I not showing interest in studying anymore, I’m not decisive anymore okay? When I grow up I want to die.
Taking into account that I am in fact fortunate to have what I have and afford what I can, I can still find things to legitimately bitch about.
I’m up and down all over the place
The suicidal thoughts have been sneaking up on me
I wish i could talk to my father about stuff except he doesn’t believe certain people can’t have depression
I hate being told “you almost always have an unpleasant face, it’s not nice and you should smile more”
i’m worried for my friends who face similar situations, especially one who hasn’t been on for a few days and just … disappeared. He’s known to be suicidal too. One of the nicest, passionate, and gentle people i’ve met on any medium. Spec where ever you are darlin’, we love you and hope intensely that you are safe