An update & a multitude of miniature rants

Taking into account that I am in fact fortunate to have what I have and afford what I can, I can still find things to legitimately bitch about.

• I’m up and down all over the place
• The suicidal thoughts have been sneaking up on me
• I wish i could talk to my father about stuff except he doesn’t believe certain people can’t have depression
• I hate being told “you almost always have an unpleasant face, it’s not nice and you should smile more”
• i’m worried for my friends who face similar situations, especially one who hasn’t been on for a few days and just … disappeared. He’s known to be suicidal too. One of the nicest, passionate, and gentle people i’ve met on any medium. Spec where ever you are darlin’, we love you and hope intensely that you are safe

Diary of a failure

There are intensely red tulips decanting on sturdy green stalks somewhere in the Netherlands. As there are the great spans of albatros riding the thermals, hours on end.

The sky above me is indifferent to my suffering, as it should be. This world existed before and will continue to exist without me.

I can’t seem to do anything right. When I pick up in one task, I fall behind in another. And I keep making fundamental mistakes that only deepens the disappointment, now, permanently lining my father’s psyche.

I feel old. Harrowed and sucked dry. A husk of what I could have been. My body is responding to the stress, I need to go to the bathroom more frequently.

Somehow. Some fucking how I keep living. My lungs, like the sky, is indifferent to my situation, unless it is hyperventilating. My heart, a disfigured lump of muscle blithely pumps away.

I made promises to people that I won’t do stupid things.

I’ll do my best to keep them.

Badger

Fall ruminations

As promised, this is the archived post I’d published elsewhere, earlier this year. It’s lengthy, aye, I remember going over everything twenty times before I was satisfied.

Read time: 5 mins, 27 seconds

NIRVANA

(in Buddhism) a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents the final goal of Buddhism.

When I was younger I had this habit to attribute things to people, stuff like if like person X’s familiar would likely be a praying mantis because of her aura of perpetual meditation, or perhaps deliberation, and was not one to be messed with. Or this lawyer that had an uncanny resemblance and manner to a bulldog.

I grew up watching Avatar the Last Airbender, and of the four elements, earth has always been my favourite. I never told anyone this but I had this vision of myself as this oak sapling, that one day I’ll be this towering, formidable sentinel knees-deep into the earth, toes dipping in the water table beneath and branches catching amiably in the wind. They’ll be homes to all sorts of birds. I’ll be this secret place of contemplation for that harried student who’d rest against my gnarled trunk.